That felt really weird. I was cleaning out the pictures in my computer, and I came upon some from Pickering.... specifically, graduation......

So, first of all.... look at that skirt... I'm such a whore!!! =D
Then there's Stella and Minela.... Stella partly covered by a flag.... Sometimes, I still miss Stella......She was so much like me. Kelsey and Ashley are my best friends now, but if Stella stayed in America.... who knows.
Then there's Sam!!!! Gosh... 12 years of schooling together. =D

And then there's Alex. The small, pale, kid, holding the American flag. Oh how he's changed. Oh how similar he is. It's weird, because I saw this picture, and saw Alex, and teared up. I mean..... I saw him recently. I talk to him all the time. Why?

I didn't know who Alex was in Pickering... but it's weird to see how he used to look, and know the man that he became. Ok... so this is slightly embarrassing to admit, and I know I've said it many times on lj..... but I'd give up everything to marry Alex. Even after all these years. Even after I stopped talking to him everyday and seeing him everyday. Even though we only talk a few times a month. Even though we've never kissed. If he asked me to, I'd wait for him forever. You know...... if you look at him (recent picture.. I'm not gonna put one up), there's nothing particularly attractive. He's not that tall. Kinda skinny. Fair skin. Nothing extraordinary. But I look at him, and I see the world. There's no one who's quite as confident, yet kind, and brutally honest, yet sweet and caring. He's my soulmate. Some of what I just wrote, I've never told him, but you know, I think it's time. I need to tell him. Ironically........ he does know I'd marry him... and he'd totally marry me. Either way.... I need to get over him. Once and for all............



Or... you know..... fall in love, and live happily ever after

Shak loved his birthday present. :D

If I didn't already put it here..... I bought him a star.  I named a star after him through the international star registry or something like that. I gave him his present at midnight.... and he was speechless, and he couldn't stop smiling.

And strangely, I can't stop smiling either. I'm just happy he loved it.

ENDER IN EXILE IS COMING OUT THIS YEAR. I've never been so excited. I can't wait. A new Ender book is more exciting than the 7th Harry Potter book coming out.

I'm going to warn you now.... I'm going to be updating a lot..... like... I'm a livejournal nerd a lot... and mostly about James....

So, as I said I had deleted everything, but I didn't delete the facebook messages. I forgot about that. I just looked all of them over. He used to call me sweetie. He used to leave me messages.

And I talked to Paul.... I hope Paul's right. I told him about James, and he analyzed some of the things James said. He said that when james was telling me to "just leave me along. I don't want to talk to you." he said that because thinking of me caused him pain. He said that when James wouldn't tell me he loved me, it was because he was in denial. He said that when he was saying how I was the bad guy for asking over and over again if he loved me (until he finally said he did) it was projection, so he wouldn't be the person to blame. For the record, I had to know that he loved me because I couldn't let him go knowing that I wasted half a year on him.

We talked for the last time today. After we finished talking and it basically showed that we were never going to talk again, he put up this away message, "HAPPY:D I want to dance". He never dances. NEVER. I don't know if it was because everything was finally settled and over or because of that girl, Sam Mosher. A mutual friend told me that James changed his facebook status to "in a relationship". That kinda makes me sad, and angry.

What paul said made me feel better, because I don't want James to be over me just yet. Not because I want him in pain, but because if he gets over me in less than a week, it shows that he just didn't care about me at all... I don't know.

I really really want to get over him.

So I'm sitting here and it's 3:31am. I've just been starring at my wall for the past 3 hours. I have 1 1/2 papers to write, and I just can't write. I don't plan on sleeping tonight. I'm not that tired anyways. I'm just thinking about high school and middle school. Not in the nostalgic way, but in the reflection sort of way. What am I doing here? I want to go somewhere I've never been. It doesn't have to be exotic, or particularly pleasant, just different.


I closed my eyes and pointed to a map. I want to move to Tremonton, Utah and open a bookstore.

Don't get me wrong, I love UMass, and I love Lynn, I'm just feeling frustrated and stuck. Maybe I should join the peace corps.



"...But when it comes to human beings, the only type of cause that matters is final cause, the purpose. What a person had in mind. Once you understand what people really want, you can't hate them anymore. You can fear them, but you can't hate them, because you can always find the same desires in your own heart."

Yeah, I'm talking about you, bitch!!

lol... ok... so life is pretty good because today SNOWED!!!!! I <3 snow... so my soc class got canceled. Yeah.. and vacation is almost here. I have finals next week... and then it's over!!! My first semester was amazing. The only sad part was that marching band had to end. :(. But it'll come back next year!!! Hopefully we'll be playing pirates next year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAHH!!!

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY NAOMI!

The Hegemon was a companion piece, really, to The Hive Queen. The one book was the story of an entire species; and so was the other. But to Petra, it was the story of the man who had shaped her life more than any other. Except one. The one who lived now only as a shadow in other people's stories. The Giant. There was no grave, and there was no book to read there. And his story wasn't a human one because in a way he hadn't lived a human life. It was a hero's life. It ended with him being taken away into heaven, dying by not dead. I love you, Peter, she said to him at his grave. But you must have known that I never stopped loving Bean, and longing for him, and missing him whenever I looked in our children's faces.
Then she went home, leaving both her husbands behind, the one whose life had a monument and a book, and the one whose only monument was in her heart.

Come away o human child

To the waters and the wild

With a fairy hand in hand

For the world's more full of weeping

Than you can understand

Orientation today!

Today is the 28th of May.

Gold at MICCA woooooo!

May 12th- At the Palladium in Worcester- The Essentials... Awesome band.

Tell me if you wanna go. I can get you tickets. $15.00. It's sorta an amature night at the Palladium for up and coming bands. 20 bands playing..... I think.

Barren stares as they light up the screen
Bearing teardrops that shatter in slow-motion
Novocaine our brains and we're out like lights
But as I'm growing older I'm bored
I remember when misery thrilled me much more
When I can't relax
And I'd like to go back
But that's gone
Yeah, that's gone, Turn around
Turn the volume down
We're counting the days down

Till the day when we live in a video
I'll be stone-faced and pale
You'll pout in stereo
24 hours every day of the year
Oh, what fun I can't wait 'til the future gets here

Closing in on the pain and the torture
He's slamming the doors like it's something to strive for
The girl tearing the curtains down looks funny as hell

And of sense of humor is there be any doubt
But that natural selection has weeded it out
Used to keep me from laughing out loud
But that's gone
We don't think that way no more
That's gone, turn around, turn the volume down
We're counting the days down

I've seen some old friends sort of die
Or just turn into whatever
Must've been inside them
And whatever all of us had then in common
Grew up and left home
We don't think that way no more
Turn around, turn the volume down
We're counting the days down